Babysitting
by pumpkaboo
Summary: Nat has no idea how she got roped into having to escort Sam and Bucky around for the day. Slightly crackish.


Natasha knocked on the door to Steve's apartment. She knew that today was one she would regret.

Sam opened the door. "Hey Nat."

"You two ready?"

"Uh... for what?"

She sighed. "You and me acclimatizing Bucky while Steve is at work."

"Ah, right."

"So?"

"Forgot that was today. Oi, Bucky, get in the shower."

"Fuck off."

"Nat, tell him what to do, he won't listen to me."

She groaned and walked in. "Hey Barnes."

"Call me Bucky."

"James-"

He sighed.

"We're heading out today, so get in that shower. Wash your hair while you're at it."

"I don't want to go out."

"Well, too bad Barnes."

He sighed and stood up. "How long do I have?"

"Five minutes."

He nodded and walked into the bathroom.

"How do you do that?"

She looked at Sam. "Do what?"

"Get him moving. I haven't been able to get him to do anything for three days."

"That is why they sent me here."

"Really?" he raised a brow.

"No. They sent me here because they needed Steve at work, so I am here. Also Steve didn't have enough time to do this."

Sam nodded. "Can I get you a drink."

"I'm fine. Thanks Sam." She grabbed her phone from her bag. "Well, we are only running ten minutes late."

"You on the clock?"

"Maybe."

He chuckled. "You should be glad that you're getting paid to deal with Bucky."

She smiled. "Well, I guess that's a plus. How has be been since he has been back?"

"Quiet. He kinda just sits around doing nothing and saying nothing."

She nodded.

Bucky walked out of the bathroom.

"You didn't wash your hair?"

He shrugged.

"Back to the bathroom.

He turned around and walked back into the bathroom.

Nat grabbed dry shampoo from her bag and sprayed it in his hair. She reached under the cabinet and grabbed a hair dryer and turned it on, combing the dry shampoo through his hair.

"Didn't realize you were a hairdresser" Sam chuckled.

"I'm not. He looks like he has been sleeping on the floor for the last week."

"That isn't far from the truth."

She groaned.

"It's okay, Steve tried to get him into bed."

She looked around. "What?"

"Like, get Bucky to sleep in the bed. No innuendos here" he chuckled awkwardly.

She shook her head. "Between you and me, it wouldn't surprise me."

Bucky looked up at her. "I can still hear you know."

"I know." She set the hairdryer and comb on the vanity. "Okay. Good to go."

"Looks like you actually washed your hair."

He glared at Sam.

"Smells like cherries."

Bucky groaned and walked out to the living room, slipping his boots on. "Where are we even going?"

"First off, coffee" said Natasha.

He nodded.

"Starbucks?" asked Sam.

She nodded.

"Hey Bucky, you hear that? Star-Bucks? Got your name in it."

Natasha shook her head. "I can't believe this is only the start of my day."

"Same" Bucky sighed.

Sam shook his head. "Don't blame this on me."

"I didn't."

"I feel like you were implying it."

Bucky grunted.

"Well, let's put this aside and get going" said Nat.

"I don't want to go in your car."

She sighed. "Barnes I swear to god-"

Sam touched her shoulder. "Let's just walk then."

She nodded. "Okay."

Once they were out of the apartment complex Bucky walked ahead.

"Hey, not too far Barnes!"

He stopped and looked around, looking like a scolded puppy.

"You should apologize to him Nat" Sam said.

"No. He need to understand that there are consequences for his actions."

"Wow. You're really taking this babysitting thing seriously."

"Its my job."

They caught up to Bucky and walked a few blocks down to Starbucks.

"Okay, so, we need to establish some rules" Nat said once they were inside sipping their drinks.

Bucky looked at his drink as if he was strangely offended.

"What? Don't like what I picked you?" she asked.

"Frappe?"

Sam nodded. "That's right."

Bucky frowned. He leaned over the straw and took a huge sip.

Sam watched, frowning.

Nat just seemed annoyed that neither of them were listening to her.

Bucky leaned back, eyes wide. "Holy shit I have brain freeze" Bucky gasped.

Sam smirked at him. "You should be used to that"

"Hey, no fighting" Nat snapped. "I do not get paid enough to babysit two" she sighed, rubbing her temples.

"Sorry" said Sam.

Bucky pushed his drink to the side and looked at Nat. "You were saying?

"You need rules."

"Okay."

"Rule one. Don't run away. Stay with Sam and me the whole time."

He nodded.

"Rule two. Listen."

"I do-"

"I know, but I'm just laying down the rules."

He nodded understandingly.

"Okay, you may have gotten out of going in the car, but from now on, I am making the rules and you follow."

"Oh no, the kicked puppy face."

"More like a cat that's been dipped in water and is secretly plotting to murder everyone" she corrected.

"I think we are seeing his face differently" Sam said frowning.

"You two look like parents scolding a bad kid."

They looked up at Clint. "You'd know" Nat chuckled. "How are you?"

"Good. So, what's happening?"

"Babysitting" she replied, taking another sip from her drink.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" Bucky asked.

"Sure."

He moved out of the booth and walked to the bathroom.

Clint sat down. "Had no idea you were babysitting Bucky. How'd you get that job?"

"Let me tell you, I didn't sign up for it."

"Did you introduce yourself as Nanny instead of Nancy that one time?"

"Don't be a dick."

He chuckled. "Hey Sam, how is living with Steve and Bucky."

"Let's not talk about it."

"I'm guessing its going great then."

Sam rolled his eyes.

"Bucky's frappe?"

"Yeah, he isn't enjoying it though."

Clint looked around and took a sip. "Anyway, I gotta keep going."

"Take Barnes' drink with you" Nat said. "I can always get him another."

He nodded. "Thanks. Well, nice seeing you guys."

Sam waved as Clint walked away. He frowned and looked at Nat. "Do you think Bucky should be back by now?"

Nat groaned. "Oh god, you should have gone with him."

Sam stood up. "I'll go look for him."

She shook her head, finishing the last of her coffee before walking to the bathrooms. "Sam?" she called out.

"He isn't in here."

She groaned. "Are you telling me he's left?" she walked up to the counter to the lady who had served them. "Did you see this guy leave?" she asked, holding up a head-shot of Bucky.

"No, I don't think so."

"Think you guys are looking for him?"

She looked around at Clint who was standing next to Bucky. "Found him down the block."

"Wow, you're right Nat, definitely a cat who is feeling up to some murder."

"Bucky, what was the first rule?" she asked.

"Don't leave Nat and Sam."

"Exactly. What did you just do?"

"I left. You gave Clint my drink."

"You didn't like it."

"I'm still thirsty."

She rolled her eyes and opened her bag, grabbing a small water bottle. "Drink."

He nodded and opened it, sniffing it before sipping a small amount.

Clint looked between Nat and Clint. "So, you two good now?"

Nat nodded. "Thank you for returning him."

Clint nodded. "No worries. You need one of those backpacks that have the leads on them?"

Sam laughed. "Nat, please."

"No."

"Damn."

Bucky smirked at him.

"Anyway" Nat said. "We should get going."

Sam nodded. "Agreed. Why the fuck did I even go out today?"

"I needed you to help me with Bucky."

"But... why are you getting paid for it?"

"Don't question it, just accept it."

Sam groaned and looked at Bucky. "This is your fault."

"You should have made a run for it when I did."

Sam just looked at him.

"I tried" Bucky sighed.

"Oh my god."

Nat looked at the two of them. "Well, let's keep going. I feel weird just standing in the middle of this Starbucks."

"Yeah, good point."

They walked outside.

"So, where to now?"

"I was thinking we could go food shopping and have a picnic. You know, go to the park?"

"Nat, that is a great idea. But can we just end today and not continue this?"

She looked at Sam. "We have to show Bucky how the world works now." She looked at Bucky. "Do you know how to go food shopping?"

He frowned at her. "What?"

"He can just go online and buy food and they'll deliver it."

"You think he will?" She looked at Bucky. "Do you want to go food shopping?"

"I guess."

"See,?"

Sam looked at Bucky. "I hate you."

Bucky smirked at him.

Nat looked at Bucky who quickly changed expression to innocent.

Sam shook his head. "He doesn't want to go food shopping" Sam cut in.

"What?" she looked at Bucky. "Be honest with me."

"I want to" he said.

Sam ran his hand over his face. "No" he groaned.

Natasha looked at Sam. "What's up?

"Bucky is being a jerk."

"Sam" she said, frowning. "Just ignore him."

Sam shook his head.

"Come on, don't want to have to put a backpack lead thing on you too" Natasha smiled.

"You two are in on this. This is some sort of elaborate prank" he shook his head.

"No, it really isn't."

"Well, I think the best way to do this is to just go to a convenience store and pick up a few things. Maybe we will do a proper grocery shop another time. Or Sam can just show you how to order online."

Bucky nodded.

Natasha walked to the crossing. "I am sure you know that you have to wait for the green walking man- Bucky stop!"

Sam just laughed and hoped they didn't have to go after him.

After finally waiting for all the cars to pass and the stop walking light to change, they made their way into the convenience store.

"Barnes" she hissed, grabbing his arm. "What was rule one?"

"Don't walk away."

"Why do you keep walking away?"

He just shrugged, picking up a can of coke. "Can I have this?"

"No. Put it back."

He pouted.

She relented. "Fine."

Sam shook his head. "What?! No, put that shit back now. You can't have it."

Bucky pouted at him.

"That is not gonna work on me. Put. The. Can. Down."

Bucky put the can back in the fridge and crossed his arms like a spoiled child.

Natasha sighed. "Doesn't he look like he is sorry?"

"Nah. Looks like he is looking for something sharp to stab me with."

"Do you think we should get him that drink?"

"No! Definitely no."

"Okay."

Sam looked at him. "Bucky, you have to learn a valuable lesson. Listen to the rules, and abide by those rules."

Bucky nodded. "Understood."

"Good." He looked at Natasha. "He is just trying to play to your maternal instinct."

"I don't have one" she replied.

"I don't know. I think he is knocking down those barriers."

She shook her head. "Ridiculous. Let's go for lunch."

"So, we aren't buying anything?" Sam asked.

"Well, you were adamant that he wasn't getting the coke."

Sam rolled his eyes. "So this failed venture is my fault?" he asked.

Natasha sighed. "No, I just think we should go have lunch. We need a break again. We are all irritable."

"I feel fine" Bucky said. "If I can't have a coke now, can I have one at lunch?"

"Of course."

Sam shook his head. "Ridiculous."

"Only if you're well behaved on the way" she added.

Bucky nodded.

"Did you need me to hold your hand?"

He shook his head. "I'll be on my best behavior."

Sam looked at him, crossing his across his chest. "I don't believe that."

"I'll prove it" Bucky replied.

Natasha shook her head. "Too sassy. Let's just find a restaurant we will all agree on."

Sam nodded. "I am sure that we will find something."

"I want pizza" said Bucky.

"We ordered in pizza last night."

"Yeah, but I didn't get any cause you ate it all when I fell asleep."

"Oh yeah. Good times."

Nat rolled her eyes. "Well, I don't want pizza either."

Sam held his hand up for a hi five.

She reluctantly gave him one. "Okay, second choice, Thai?"

Bucky looked at her. "What?"

Sam looked at him. "Asian cuisine"

"Okay. I guess I'm up for that."

"Good. Let's go. There is a nice restaurant a few blocks away" Natasha said.

They'd walked less than a block when Bucky stopped in front of an Italian restaurant.

"Fuck you" said Sam.

"Thought we were dropping you off here?" he smiled.

"I don't want to talk to you right now."

Natasha looked at the both of them. "You guys are seriously getting on my nerves. Is this some sort of bullshit you two planned?"

"No. I didn't even want to see him today."

Bucky looked at Sam. "Too bad."

"Kids, can we just keep going, or do you want to eat here?" Natasha asked, hands on her hips.

Bucky nodded.

"Stop sucking up to Nat."

Bucky shrugged. " I didn't do anything of the sort."

Nat shook her head. "Let's just get going. I hope I never have to do this again" she whispered under her breath, her pace fast. She was hungry dammit.

"Same" Sam muttered.

"You're just as bad" she said, side glancing at him.

"Oh, really?"

"Sometimes you can be worse."

"As if. Bucky, tell her she is wrong."

No answer.

They both looked around and saw he was missing again.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Natasha groaned. "Fuck." She walked back down the street, peering into the shops and cafes looking for him. She saw him in the bookshop next to the Italian place. "Barnes!" she scolded.

He looked around innocently, holing up a book. "I think Steve will like this."

She nodded. "He would like it a a lot."

"I am going to buy it for him."

She smiled. "Okay. You buy that, then we are having lunch. Since I am so hungry we're going to have Italian. I don't know if I can walk to the damn Thai restaurant."

Bucky looked even more smug, in Sam's opinion. Sam no longer gave a fuck since he was now starving.

"Does this mean he doesn't get coke?"

She sighed. "I would have said no, but... don't you think its cute that he wanted to buy Steve a book?"

Sam rolled his eyes. "Goddammit."

"He can have the coke with his lunch."

Sam shook his head. "He gets away with too much."

"Look at him. He is buying his best friend a present. Don't you think that's nice?"

"Since when were you a sap Nat?"

She shrugged. "I'm not. Hurry up Barnes!"

He quickly passed over the cash, grabbed his change and hurried over.

"What were you talking about?" Sam asked.

Bucky smiled. "I don't have to tell you."

Sam was sure his head would implode within the next few minutes if he wasn't able to escape Bucky. At home Bucky just lounged around doing nothing, usually on his mattress he had spread out in the living room.

Natasha looked at Bucky. "Well, I am glad you bought that for Steve. I think its wonderful."

They walked into the restaurant.

"I am so hungry" Sam said. "We need to order ASAP."

Bucky looked up at him and smiled.

"No, don't you dare or I'll order for you."

The host took them to a table and passed out menus, pouring cold water into their glasses.

"Thank you" Natasha smiled politely. "Okay. Let's be quick about this I am starving."

"I already know what I want" Bucky said.

"I hope you're not lying" Natasha said, not looking up from the pasta section of the menu.

"I want pepperoni pizza and coke."

"Good" Natasha said.

"Can I go to the bathroom?"

She looked up at him. "If you leave this restaurant-"

"I won't. I will even leave the book I bought for Steve here."

"Okay. If you're gone too long I will send Sam looking for you."

"You won't have to." He got up and walked to the restrooms.

"I am so ordering him a diet coke."

"Why?" Natasha asked.

"He hates that stuff."

"Sam, be nice."

He shook his head. "Not after all that shit he pulled today."

"Can you get your revenge back home?"

"I guess" he sighed.

She patted his back. "You'll be fine. But now you know you don't want kids and that is a very important thing."

He chuckled. "You can say that again."

A waitress walked over and took their orders.

Bucky walked over and watched the waitress walk away before sitting. He looked across at both of them. "If either of you ordered me a diet coke-"

Sam started chuckling.

"He wanted to" said Natasha, sick of both of their bullshit. "I talked him out of it."

"Only just. I ordered it and she changed it."

"I hate you."

"I hate you too."

Natasha shook her head. She was sure this had taken years off her life. She took her phone from her pocket (now that she could actually look at it and Barnes was sitting across from her, not wandering off). She saw a lot of messages that intensified her annoyance.

Nick Fury:I hope your day is going successful.

Try substituting successful for stressful then yes.

Tony Stark: I would like to think that I felt sorry for you, but I really don't. Sorry.

She would get her revenge. Maybe send Bucky over there to fuck shit up.

Of course Steve had messaged her.

Steve Rogers: Hope your day is going well Nat. Make sure Bucky doesn't have any soda, makes him too hyperactive and I swear it gives him heart palpitations.

She groaned. "Fuck." She got up and walked over to the waiter who was about to bring their drinks over. "Can you cancel that coke. Just found out my friend isn't supposed to have it. I'll still pay for it if its a problem-"

"No, not at all." She set the drink down and walked over with the other two drinks.

Natasha sat down as the lady gave Sam and Natasha their drinks.

Bucky frowned as Sam started drinking his coke. "Um, I thinks something is missing."

Nastasha sighed. "You didn't tell me you weren't allowed to dirnk it."

"I can" he pouted. "Who told you that?"

Steve sent me a message."

"Steve left his phone at home" Bucky said. "Mostly my fault cause I was watching stuff on YouTube-"

"Wait, what?" Natasha asked. "He sent me this." She showed Bucky the message.

"Nope. I had Steve's phone at eight this morning. He had already left."

She looked at Sam.

Sam started laughing. "Okay, maybe I took his phone in case he got an urgent call, but I thought it would be a nice way to settle the score."

Natasha was sure she would probably die by the end of the day.

"So, can I get my drink?"

Natasha shook her head. "Have Sam's."

Sam shook his head. "Nope."

Natasha sighed. "Have mine."

He looked at her drink and nodded. He took a sip from it, wrinkled his nose and passed it back. "I'll grab a coke on the way home."

"Wouldn't you say that today has been successful?" Sam grinned.

"I hate everything about today" Natasha moaned.

Bucky looked at her sympathetically. "Could be worse."

She looked at him. "True."

After lunch they made a stop at a museum that had free admission for an older historical display that they had. Bucky walked around, reading everything, finding it interesting. He was totally absorbed in it, and Natasha was glad. She sat at a bench near the exit of the exhibit so she would catch him if he tried to do a runner.

Sam sat next to her. "I would still say you did a good job."

She shook her head. "I will never do this ever again."

He chucked. "Fair call."

She looked at he time. "Do you think you could run across to the store and buy a coke for Bucky?"

He nodded. "Sure."

"If its diet-"

"I won't do that. Promise."

She nodded. "Good." She leaned her back to the wall. Today hadn't been an overall failure. Some of it she would rather not relive, but for now she was content.

About two hours later Bucky walked out of the exhibit. "I would like to bring Steve here."

She smiled. "I think he would like that."

"Good, get you two out of the house for a bit" Sam chuckled.

Nat shook her head. "You two, its been like, twenty seconds." She passed Bucky the coke. "Open it once we're outside."

He nodded.

The walk back to the apartment was long.

"I swear we just walked through like, ten states" Sam groaned and walked into his room, flopping on the bed.

Natasha smiled. "Thanks for joining today."

He gave her an awkwardly tired salute.

Bucky smiled up at her. "I had a good day. Thanks."

She smiled. "I'm glad. I am exhausted."

"Lie down in Steve's bed. He has the best bed" he admitted.

"I should get going. But thanks."

"I'd offer my bed, but" he looked over at the single mattress behind the lounge. A blanket from the back of the lounge was tucked under the far side of the mattress like some sort of shitty lounge fort.

She nodded. "I think only you should have the privilege of sleeping in that."

He smiled. "I've has Steve over, but not Sam. Not yet."

"Rude!" Sam called out from his room.

Natasha just nodded. She no longer wanted to question anything. "I will see you two later." She walked outside.

When Steve came home both Bucky and Sam were asleep. The first thing Steve did was look for his phone. He looked in Bucky's lounge cave, but Bucky didn't have it. He sighed and sat on the lounge. He really had no idea where it was. Then he saw a bag on the coffee table with a note on it. To Steve, From Bucky.

He opened the bad and smiled at the book. He grinned. Bucky still knew him too well. He set the book aside and a piece of paper poked out the top for a museum. Maybe they should go sometime...


End file.
